Minute by Minute

This journey through grief for me has taken a new turn. I am going back so that with the Lord's help I can help others through this horrible time. I am still going forward in my own private grief day by day, coping more, accepting more, and being covered more by God's grace and mercy. My hope for you who are reading this is that you too will understand a little more and experience a whole lot more of God's marvelous grace. In all honesty I must say...no I have not always felt this way, so don't feel guilty if you are a Christian but you don't feel like giving God the glory right now. Like every part of this journey that you are on, it takes time. I think that by you knowing that what you are experiencing is completely "normal" it may help you to take a step back and not be so hard on yourself, and who knows things may seem a little clearer.

For someone reading this who hasn't experienced this grief, my prayer for you is that first of all you never do experience this and then secondly that God will give you the grace and compassion you need to be there for your friend or loved one who is on this journey. Let me state for the record that those of us who are grieving parents do know that you mean well and we know that you want to help but don't know how sometimes. It's alright. Really. I guess the only "don't do" would be...don't say, "I know how you feel", if you don't. This blog is all about complete honesty, so let me say that, that statement is insulting. I will say that I have been blessed in that area. Most people say ,"I can't imagine how you feel." My response is always the same. "I hope and pray that you never do."

Now, having said all that... back to the grieving parents.

Everyone tells you "just take it one day at a time." That seems reasonable enough, to someone who hasn't buried their child. Let me just tell you my friends it is not one day at a time, it is one moment at a time. As a matter of fact it seems to be one second at a time. I remember thinking, after someone said that to me, "tomorrow, what about tonight when I have to go to sleep again?"
What about that huge knot in my stomach and that aching in my heart that is there as soon as I awake, after I finally cried myself to sleep.

I remember the night after my Son passed away. Basically everybody from my church came over after Sunday night service. I think I remember now everyone that came in. You know how it is. It is very hazy, it's like a dream, very foggy, and you are there but you don't really feel anything. Mainly numb, then pain, then numb again. But I remember sitting at my kitchen table with loved ones all around me, but I was looking for one particular person. I was looking for Sheila, because I knew she knew how I felt. I just wanted someone there to tell me what was happening and what was I going to do now. I looked and saw her coming down my hallway, and I got up almost running to her. Sheila's son had passed away a couple of years earlier. She just held me and wept. I remember asking her, "what do I do"?. She said Lora, you are not going to be able to think clearly, make decisions, you will feel confused all the time. That proved to be so true. You know, it helped me though. When I would feel like I couldn't complete a sentence or everything was just foggy. I would remember that, and I would think, "it's alright, I think this is normal". I soon realized that nothing would really ever be normal again.

My son was gone. How could people just go on with their lives like nothing had happened? Didn't they realize Philip is not here? My goodness, how dare everybody continue on with their lives. Mine is shattered. I remember going to the funeral home to display some pictures for the viewing. How could I put a lifetime of such a beautiful person into a few frames. How could they possibly know how much was missing from a few photos? I stopped back by the store to get some newspapers with the obituary in it. People were pumping gas, buying their sodas, just laughing. What was wrong with these people. Philip McGee just died! How dare they!

Here's the thing. They don't know. They can't understand. But, it's alright. God does understand. I remember saying, "why my son, God, why Philip?" Immediately it was like God spoke to my shattered heart and said..."why my Son?"