ANGER!

I remember my sister made the comment that she thought I went through all the stages in the first hour. I think I did too. So this is good huh? Get through the stages, trust God...after all I am His, a child of the King and all... why not? Simple, then life can be "normal" again. What people don't tell you is that you go through the "stages", and you go through the "stages", and you keep going through the "stages". I think that no matter how much time passes, and no matter how strong you are, there will always be moments, maybe even days of visitation to the stage of anger. They get you when you least expect it. Like reaching for something at the grocery store and realizing I don't want to make that anymore, that was the way Philip liked it. I remember the first time I saw "lipton onion soup mix" , I broke down in wal-mart. Philip loved to make us hamburgers and add this. He was always trying to out do his dad's burgers.
You know, as broken-hearted as I was.. God knew...He did care. God sent a friend right around the corner, she just hugged me and held me for a few minutes in Wal-mart. God is good and I know that and it is in those moments when you know how real God is. I have found that if I try to remember God's goodness when I feel so empty and broken it sure seems to make it a little easier. To be honest though, sometimes the anger over-rules the truth that I know in my heart.

I am not a psychologist, but I am a mother and there is part of me that is always going to be mad that I don't have my son anymore. Here is some of what makes me mad:
I don't get to watch him be a father to Madison and Malachi. I don't get to see him loving Rhonda and throwing her over his shoulder like she was a bag of potatoes. I don't get to watch him tease Kacey endlessly and then make her laugh about it. I don't get to watch him wrestle with his dad or look down at him and remind him how much taller he is, but of course being 6'3" didn't stop 5'11" dad from taking him to the mat. I don't get my goofy birthday and mother's day cards. I don't get to call and hear his ridiculous voice mail that tricked me every time. I don't hear him laughing and making everyone around him laugh.


Having said all that let me tell you how I overcome til the next time. It's like salvation. I don't always feel saved. My husband would probably say "she don't always act saved." Nevertheless I know that I am saved. How I know goes back to trusting God! He cannot lie. He said in His word what I must do to be saved and what He would do. Romans 10:9,10. "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. This is what I know to be true. Now as that applies to dealing with the death of my son is this: I KNOW that God loves Philip more than I do. I don't understand how, but I know it and I believe it. Therefore, God wanted what was best for him. When Philip trusted Jesus as his personal saviour, God became his guardian for lack of a better word. Philip had his free-will but God ultimately made the decisions. God decided that He couldn't let His child continue down the road he had just ventured onto and God decided it was better to Take Philip home. I KNOW and BELIEVE all I just told you, however, it doesn't make me like it the least bit better. I even tried to tell God there was a better way. Then I remember God spoke the world into existence, His ways and His thoughts are so much higher than mine. Again, I KNOW this.

You may have somebody that is oh so spiritual, but has never buried a child,tell you, " Well, just give it to God and don't take it back, it will be alright." Parent, don't beat yourself up by telling yourself, "I must not really trust or love God, because I still get angry. God knows you He knows how much you loved your child, He knows how big the hole in your heart is, and even though there will always be a hole there, God will also fill all around it with love and blessings that you don't expect.