All the Firsts...

There are so many firsts. You think they would all be over in the first year or maybe two. But there not. There is always a new first.

They all started immediately. We buried our Son the day before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving day we forced ourselves out of bed at about noon. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law were still in town but they did wake us, they just stayed quiet and very thoughtful. I'm sure they didn't know what to do, but they were great, they were just there and that was comforting. I really don't remember if I even thanked them. I hope I did. Philip's best friend Daniel came over and when I came out in my robe he made me get dressed, I guess he thought it would help me and if I was doing what I was supposed to do on Thanksgiving then maybe he could too. Neither of us did.


The first birthday without Philip was to be his 21st, just three weeks after he died. My daughter will be 21 on Saturday and yes about three weeks ago I was thinking...what if...? I quickly asked the Lord to please take those thoughts and those fears and He did.

The next biggie was my first birthday without my son calling me and bringing me the goofiest card he could find. He was very serious about picking out cards, he didn't just grab one, it had to be exactly right. (he got that from me)

Another first that really overwhelmed me was Mother's Day. I don't know why I didn't expect it, but I really thought I would be okay. I awoke to just an onslaught of grief that kept me in bed and out of church, weeping. I believe God understood that it was just a little much.

Jimmy had planned our usual dinner; rib-eye steaks, asparagus and baked potato. Kacey, Rhonda and the kids were coming. Jimmy wanted to call and cancel, but I really needed to see a part of Philip that day, so they came and it went well. Nobody really knew what to say, just the love and the hugs of the day made it all okay.

Then came Father's Day and I have to say Jimmy did better than me but his heart was breaking. It's one of those things where people say how many children do you have? Now you hesitate in your answer fight back the tears and begin with "I have a Son with Jesus" and then you go on. Looking at the twins and knowing they will never remember his laugh and his smile and no conscious memory of the one Father's day they had was very heart breaking. But we will always tell them how much he loved his babies.

Well you get through the obvious days that are gonna always be hard, and eventually you learn to adjust a little better than the time before and then here you go again.

Great firsts, great memories, but always bitter-sweet.

The first time the twins stood in front of church with their little class to sing "Jesus Loves Me", the first Bible verse they quoted, and loads and loads of firsts for the rest of their lives.

The Twins are 3 1/2 now. Malachi started playing "Rag Ball" (tee-ball). Everything is fine. Me is in the fence with the camera, great spot, great shots. The tears begin to flow. Philip should be here. He should be on the field with Malachi, showing him how to bat, how to catch, and high-fiving him at every play. I sometimes wonder...Does God maybe just let him peek down and get just a glimpse at these firsts? Who knows, maybe so.

It was a beautiful sunny day, blue skies, and a beautiful breeze, my grandson playing his first game. How could it get any better than that? Well, me waking up and this all being a horrible two-year nightmare we be a good start, but since that's not happening; this would be good.

It would be to know that Philip was standing right beside Jesus and saying, "look Jesus, that's my boy". People may say that is ridiculous but you know what...it makes me feel better and God can do whatever He wants to, whenever He wants to, and wherever He wants too. NOW!


So to you other parents that dare to believe what seems impossible to others; just go ahead and dream, you deserve a good dream!

REMEMBER...We will make it through this journey of grief...
only by the Grace of God!