His "Babies" turn Four years old Tomorrow

Madison and Malachi turn four years old tomorrow. The only birthday they got to have their daddy was their "First Birthday". The second birthday was just "weird", I went through the motions, but I think it was just strange for everybody. The third got a little better we had a big party at "Booker's Fort", that is the huge two-story fort their Poppa and I built for them last summer in our back yard. We did the cowboy-cowgirl theme and it was a blast. Poppa took them on a somewhat modern day hayride which meant his 16' trailer being pulled by the suburban.

I actually caught myself more than once looking for Philip. I know that sounds really weird. It's just that sometimes life feels normal for a minute, a minute when you're not hurting, and the natural thing is to turn to share something with that loved one that has always been there but isn't any more. To just watch them, to look for the joy in their face, just to watch and take it all to heart. That is something we do more when we're older I think, as we watch our children and see whom they have become.

For a split second it seems so natural that that person should be there, and when that split second is over the heart just feels like it will burst...again.

Then there are times when I just stand still and feel as if I am outside looking in. Everything is in slow motion, I am looking around at all the people there but I can't find that one face in the crowd that I desire to see more than anyone else. The face is missing, but it's not just his face. I don't have the expectation of catching up with him later on in the party, it's not like he's just lost in the crowd...no he's just not here.

It's hard to explain if you've never been there, but if you have ever been there then you know exactly what I mean.

Grief is a very strange thing. Sometimes you understand it and feel like your progressing just the way you are supposed to; then sometimes you don't have a clue what to do with all those emotions. That knot in the bottom of your stomach is just big enough to let you know it's still there and then sometimes it is so huge you feel like everyone sees it.

I guess there will always be "triggers"---birthdays, holidays, special memories, songs, smells, foods, movies, books, the list goes on as do the memories. Thank you sweet Jesus for the beautiful, priceless memories! Those memories get me through the toughest times.

Signing out for tonight, getting ready to face tomorrow.

Lora McGee - just a Mom making my journey through this grief, but not alone, always with God close by and His Grace covering me all the way.