A Mom's Journey through Grief - (The Phone Call)

It was "Iron Bowl Saturday", for those who don't know or are not from the South, that is the Alabama/Auburn football game. The biggest rivalry in college Football in the South.

My Son Philip had been going through a lot of stuff. He was really struggling with the toughest of life issues and we had made a date for that Saturday. He and his sister Kacey would bring the twins Madison and Malachi (15 months old) over and we would watch the game and not think or talk about anything but good times.

I had everything for the "wings" today was going to determine once and for all who made the best wings..me or Philip. We all knew who would win, after all, did he forget who taught him? I talked to Kacey the night before making sure everything was still on . Philip yelled out in the background that he wanted me to make him some sausage balls as well. So I did.

I was really excited about the day with my kids. I wanted everything to be PERFECT! I was determined I wasn't going to nag about anything. I was just gonna be cool! Really, I was.

It was getting close to time for them to arrive and I was dying to call, but Dad says, "leave em alone, they'll be hear soon." He knew I was worried about Philip and today was so important for me, but you know how it is the husband is the practical one...don't call em, they'll be here.
"Little did he know I had already sneaked one call, but I didn't get an answer."

A few minutes later the phone rang...Philip's number! "Hello, Son,...Where.....? My greeting was cut short by the frantic sound of my daughter's voice. "Philip! It's Philip, I don't know whether he's dead or alive..." I was sure someone had kicked me in my stomach, nausea, dizziness, sounds from a tunnel I was hearing , but I couldn't speak. Finally finding my voice, "Kacey, what happened? What do you mean?. Is there a gun a knife what is it? "I don't know, the paramedics are here, they're still working on him.

Taking control, needing to calm my daughter, I begin to be a Mom, give instructions. "Kacey you stay put just find out what hospital and we will come there for you and then go to the hospital. We will be right there."

I ran from the house finding Jimmy outside, by then I was crying and shaking. "It's Philip something terrible has happened we have to get to his house. " We jumped into our car and I filled him in on the rest of what I knew.

I had managed to reach Kacey again, I asked her what happened and she said "pills". Pills? Drugs? What? The phone died, no more answers, no more signal. The fifteen minute drive seemed to last forever. I remember when I got signal again I called my pastor and told them what I thought. I thought that my son was on the way to the hospital for an overdose.

We came to the 4-way stop by the Fire Department and the F.D. was collecting money. It seemed as though they would never let us through.

Almost to Philip's house we passed an ambulance...no lights...not speeding...nothing. I began to shake horribly looking at my husband with desperation. He said "everything is gonna be alright, that doesn't mean anything. I was praying "God please don't take my Son, God, Please don't take my Son!.

We arrived at the house there were several cars, police, ambulance, and it seemed like a lot of people. I really don't remember.

We pulled down to the basement where Philip parked. There was yellow- crime scene tape - and a police officer outside the door. We hurried out of the car and up to the officer, I was going to get to see him before they left for the hospital. The cop put up his hand to stop us. "We're his parents."

You can't go in, he told us. I still don't know why this question, but I asked, "Is my son alive?"
The officer looked at me..."No Maam, he's not."

A loud blood curdling scream NOOOOOOOOOO...then I was on the ground, my husband trying to help me up. Who was this awful man telling me this, what is happening? My husband set me down in Philip's car and I remember the officer asking him if he wanted them to get me something. I knew what he meant. I told him not to ever say that to me. I remember I was so angry at that man, looking back I think he was probably a very nice man.

My husband walked back to the door, the officer tried to block him but my husband moved him out of the way and he went to our son. Now it would all be okay, he would find out the truth, and he would come tell me that we were headed to the hospital. I waited a few minutes, he came back out and he just grabbed me and began to weep. This was all wrong. In my heart I knew it would never be right again.

A Mom's Journey through Grief

To every Mom who has ever lost a child...and to every Mom who may have lost perspective of what really matters...

Two years and 3 months later I can honestly say: It is only by the Grace of God! Today it is easier, but...everyday it still hurts, everyday I still miss my Son Philip so very much, and to be perfectly honest...everyday I still get a little angry, but it is short-lived and God's abundant grace and mercy flow over me and take control. If not for HIM I know I wouldn't be here today with a sincere desire in my heart to help others who are grieving.

With that being said let me take the time to explain my current situation. First of all this "blog stuff" is all new to me so please bear with me as I try to journal the most tender parts of my heart in an attempt to allow my experiences to help you.

If you read my first and only blog you realize that I am presently in Portugal with my friends who have been called to the mission field. Therefore, I don't have the luxury of my personal laptop with me or much time for writing and posting while here in Portugal.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I hope the introduction was enough to intrigue or encourage you to stay tuned because I do plan on pursuing this more diligently when I am back in the United States. (Home Sweet Home)