Well, I thought I would start back on my blog. I originally started this to share about my "Journey through Grief", hoping to give others hope and to help myself deal with the (at times) overwhelming pain. So here goes.
Just when I think that I am past some things there they come again in hurricane force to assault me, to shake me to my core, to weaken me. It's unexpected most times and stronger than expected always.
I was getting back into my car and on the radio I heard a young girl giving her testimony about being at "Teen Challenge". Teen Challenge is a place about 25 miles north of Birmingham, Alabama, and about ten minutes from my home. They take young people and put them through a program for alcohol and drug rehabilitation. It is done with all emphasis put on God and His word. Our church supports them and a few of our preachers preach there on Wednesdays. I have a friend in our church whose son is in there now. Please pray for him he has been battling this a very long time. His name is Joseph.
So, whats the big deal, this is a good thing. I was only able to listen for a moment to her shaky, tear filled voice of remorse and then of victory through Jesus Christ. Though very happy for the young girl, I felt that old helpless, angry feeling come back. The same old questions that you would think would have been put to rest.
Why didn't someone tell me about Philip?
Why didn't those people that care so much about him realize how much trouble he was in?
Then the questions that always leave me drained and broken...
Why God, why couldn't you let him be a success story?
Why didn't you let me see what was happening? ( I am his Mother, I should have known)
Why did he have to hurt so bad that he turned to drugs?
Why do you let others go on for years and then get to turn their life around?
WHY? WHY? WHY?
I don't know whether or not this is the "norm" for a grieving parent, or if I am supposed to have settled this. Sometimes it seems very settled. Sometimes I am very "spiritual" and can say things like "God knew what was coming and this was best" or "God loved Philip more than me", and even go as far as to "Thank God we are not like some parents with their kids still missing, that would be horrible". But..you know what? A lot of days this is still "horrible". I still sometimes get sick at my stomach. Sometimes anger comes from another direction. Pain, missing him so badly, sometimes it just feels unbearable.
Then....inevitably I hear a plight so much worse than my own. I pray and I begin thanking God for the good things in my life. You know what I have found really helps? I begin thanking Him for what didn't happen. It's amazing how many of those there are. I feel like I have to do this over and over again just to continue to be a productive part of society.
I don't know, maybe it will never be settled only to a certain degree. I am human, I am a Mother and I had to bury one of the best parts of me and a very big part of who I am.
So I will go on, and I will serve and I will try to lead others to Christ, I will try to help other parents, I will warn them about the danger signs that I missed, I will do everything in my power to keep another kid from ending up like Philip, and I will do everything I can do to share others burdens and their griefs.
Just as I am sure I will do all of the above, I am just as sure that I am always going to miss my beautiful son, Philip. I would give anything just to hear his laugh, especially when he would get really tickled. He was so funny.
Though at times I seem defeated, I get a little weak, I get a little shaky...I WILL NOT QUIT ON THE LORD. I know I look like I might be a goner sometimes, but GOD is so good to me and He picks me right back up, and He puts my feet back on that solid rock and He reminds me that it is just a little while then everything will be GOOD!
So in closing, just remember, I will make it through this journey of grief, as you will also make it through whatever you're going through. It will all be by the Grace of God.
